Tuesday 7 May 2013

The Little Engine that Couldn't Blog Party: Zombies vs Unicorns

Yes, it is time for the question that you all want to know the answer to, the question that this guy here finally dared to ask: which is better? There's only one way to find out... FIGHT!

Sorry, unfortunately I couldn't find and zombies or unicorns to battle it out live for your entertainment -- and besides, Harry Hill probably copyrighted the whole thing already -- so we'll just have to have a discussion about it.

So, zombies, unicorns, unicorns, zombies? Those of you who have read any of my reviews will probably think you know my view on this, and people who know me in Real Life know that I'm constantly spouting Charlie the Unicorn lines, but I'm going to be contraversial here. I'm going to go against everything I have ever known in my life and say the one word that at the beginning of this post you never expected me to say: dragons -- no, wait, sorry -- zombies. Zombies are better than unicorns.
Gasp all you like, you aren't going to change my mind. Especially when you put an exclamation mark in there. I mean, dude, that looks ungainly.

Fact is, zombies are the thing. Do you see films about unicorns, other than as tiny little cameos in the HP movies? No. Zombies? Yes. There is constantly a zombie film around. There are zombie books, too, like those ones by Darren Shan that I never read 'cause they looked scary and the ones that I review here and here. They were absolutely rubbish, but by book two I was jumping out of my skin whenever I went past a darkened doorway in my house.

 And that's the crux of the matter: unicorns are little wimpy things, basically. 'Ooh, look, pretty horsey thing,' you might say. 'Oooh, look, just when we thought Bob was gonna die, here comes a unicorn with special, magical get-out-of-writer's-jail-free powers that will save him and therefore the entire plot!' Zombies, however, you can go to work with. 'Argh, zombie, save me, Mark! ... You saved me, that makes you hot.' 'Argh, zombie, it killed my bezzie!' 'Argh, she's turning into a zombie, do we kill her?' 'Argh, zombies... is there a cure?' Or, as in a recent film that I haven't seen because I knew it would scare me: 'Aww, zombie! Daddy, can I take him home and teach him how to love?' Zombies can be used for just about any sort of story line (though, of course, they're mostly used for apocalyptical, we-all-die kinds of things), and they have starred in my nightmares a billion zillion times. Unicorns? Not so much. I didn't find myself in a church/Sainsbury's as the doctor with a cool scarf trying to save my best friend from UNICORNS, now did I? No, exactly.

Fact of the matter is, zombies are better. They might not be pretty and spice and all things nice, but they're scary, note-worthy, and story-worthy. Eat that, unicorns!

Zombie fan/fearer out!

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